They Smell Like Mother
by Kianang
Summary: Suboshi finally understands why his Aniki covered his eyes, refused to let him see, protected him... and trembled.


Disclaimer: Do you think I would want to own something like this? :/ I mean the fic, not FY. I would like to own FY. But I don't.

AN: This is one piece that I flat out refuse to edit. I might redo it someday, but I flat out refuse to edit it. I started feeling raw while writing this. And the words stopped coming. It's like an experiment. To see if this makes sense. At all. Yeah. There's not much I can say. And the tense lapses while taking about Tamahome's family -- he's narrating during the conflict, so both past and present work. And he's muddled. And, frankly, so am I right now. Oh man… be kind, everyone.

They Smell Like Mother

* * *

For once in my life, I felt like a hero. All it took was their blood.

They screamed and wailed. They tried to run! But I took them. I... took them. I am a hero, right Aniki?

Just like you.

When you held me when I cried. And played lullabies. And fought for me. And covered my eyes.

Aniki, you were always the hero. I hid behind... I was a leech... my sobs slowed you, my tears hurt you, my appetite nearly killed you... you rummaged for food, but never let me. You always took the blame. You covered my eyes.

You covered my eyes, but your hands were shaking. You didn't want me to see blood. You didn't want me to see Mother coughing on herself, choking on herself. You didn't want me to see Father dyeing his coat crimson. Your hands kept shaking. You told me it was nothing. But you shook.

But, Aniki, you can't stop me from seeing blood. I see it now.

I held you back. And you never seemed to mind. You never called me weak. You never called me a coward.

But... Aniki... I'm shaking so much on the inside. It's spreading to my fingers. This place smells like death. It smells like mother. It smells like mother.

That's all I can think, Aniki -- it smells so much like mother, I can't bear it... just like mother... choking on herself... because of murderers…

When you went to Konan, you wanted to protect me, didn't you? You thought that I'd be safe passing notes to you on our arms... but each time... each time... I tried not to mention... so you wouldn't worry... but each time I imagined it was you holding me, telling me you'll be fine...

The strong survive, so I kill. See, Aniki? You always hated me for thinking that... did you die because you were weak? No. You died... because I left you... or something... terrible... murder…

Murder…

But I am the weaker of us... I used to cry too much... a crybaby... your burden... your chain... In this world people like me can't survive without pity. So I fight. You call me bitter... but weakness kills... if you hadn't held me in the alleys, kept me close for warmth... I'd be dead...

But I defend you now, Aniki! See? Look how beautiful the blood arcs... they scream... they try to fight... they don't know about your murder… they…

They smell like Mother.

Like mother... and you... when you got cut... and... you held me. You covered my eyes. You shook like a leaf.

When you died, Aniki... I couldn't take it... I felt so cold. Wet. My sweat came cold and thick... I drowned... but... Yui-sama understood. And you understood her... she held me... like you would hold her... when she cried... sobbed... for hope... salvation... love...

I had to be a hero. Be strong.

With each scream I shake... they all smell like Mother... the smallest one clings to my leg... tries to punch me... she smells like mother...

Aniki, I won't shake.

See how brave I am... they smell like Mother... choking on her blood... they smell like her clothes... red and moist... they smell like the crook of her neck as I sobbed on her...

The little girl is weak... she holds on... she smells so strong...

See how brave I am. You don't need to hold me... or cover my eyes... or pull me away from Mother's broken bosom... or... or...

"Nii-chan!"

I fling her off. Aniki, see how brave... I am still... holding on... moving... avenging…

I am a hero... I tremble...

Aniki... I know why your hands shook like leaves... when you pulled me from Mother...

The smell... the colors... you shake. And then, the little girl... calling for her Nii-chan... just like me, calling for you... but he'll never come... he'll never come... murderer…

I need to be brave for you. I need to kill and brave the smell and be strong -- only the strong survive. The weak only die... like I almost did... and would have... if you hadn't stayed with me... and held me... and... they smell like Mother...

Aniki... when you died... did you smell like Mother?


End file.
